My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The air was thick with penises
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
