she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
