Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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