He asked to "fluff my boner.."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
