she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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