Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
