Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
