i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
