Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
