sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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