wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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