He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize