I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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