Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
