my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
