i need an iv and a liver transplant
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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