If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
