I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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