when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The air taste purple.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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