I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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