he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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