I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
