you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize