I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
