The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Randomize
