we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize