I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
