He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
