So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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