How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize