I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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