i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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