Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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