Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
