So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
