Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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