D3 body, D1 cock
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
