Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
