My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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