my cup is half full, half full of rum.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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