He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Randomize
