My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
