I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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