My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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