i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
