My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
