I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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