Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Randomize
