I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
