hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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