I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
