He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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