I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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