Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
