Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
