FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
