11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My vagina is officially offended.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
