i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize