Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
